I started Cayson's birth story several times, its four words delete, six sentences, delete. Because this story is so close to my own experiences it is even more emotional for me to put it into words. So I'll warn you now, it is both professional and personal words you will read here...
I received the traditional SOS of I am in labor via text around 8:30pm Easter evening, just as I was getting ready to head to bed. Instantly the rush of adrenaline hit my blood stream and I was eager to run out the door. We texted back and forth for about an hour, deciding the game plan. I put my family to bed and headed out a little before 10pm.
Upon arriving to the hospital I found a calm, sober Jackie, chatting with friends and family and speaking of the eagerness of seeing baby Cayson soon. An epidural brought her great comfort and honestly there was never a time she was in pain, other then the thousands of holes she had from the IV ordeal. But there was an underlining to all of our moods. Cayson was not due for another 5 weeks and despite the best efforts by the Midwife and Jackie, Cayson was ready to meet the world...or was he.
We chatted about nothing and everything, the women who she holds dearest to her heart, those she confines in, laughs with, cries too and leans on. Her sister, her mom and her best friend. Her husband, keeping all of us in laughs as he bantered with us on the time he expected his son to arrive, when we knew he wanted him to be here just as much as we did! Her in laws keeping spirits high with food and encouraging words. But despite the fun, you could still feel that cloud under the surface.
When the Neonatal Nurse came in to speak to the parents, you could have heard a pin drop...and as I listened to the conversation...all the what ifs and possibilities, I fought back the urge to say I know it sounds scary, but I dealt with almost all of these set backs and more and my daughter is healthy! Yes she is behind developmentally, but she's happy and healthy and she is just fine, but how I remember the fears of what ifs that clouded my mind prior to her own birth and afterwards when she was so fragile.
The clock ticked by, growing ever later. I was glued to it and the monitors, willing it all to move faster, but it became clear after two hours of no change Jackie's labor had stalled, after inserting a catheter to measure the intensity of her contractions it was decided to start pitocin and at almost 1am, I made the decision to pack it up and head home. My husband had to work in a few hours. I didn't sleep well that morning, and as I anxiously waited to hear news of Cayson's birth, I dread something had not gone as planned.
April 9th....
This story gave me a lot of time to reflect on my own journey through the birth of my daughters, the heart ache and the struggles, the tears, the JOY...and I wanted so badly to find some words to offer Jackie and Justin...something that would put it all into prospective, to calm the fears and the frustrations...but I realized I look upon my births and still struggle to this day with the emotions of them....
I received a text from Jackie, she had indeed required an emergency c-section but that everyone was okay and after a nap we'd chat...all day long I felt such a need to hug her, to tell her again I was sorry...for a women to go through the process of labor and end in a c-section is something of a let down, to feel you didn't achieve your duty. Not to mention it hurts, takes longer to heal and just makes the process less enjoyable. When your the mother of a pre-term baby you feel certain guilt, at times you feel its your fault, you begin to question actions. BUT there is no way a fault to be placed upon you....
April 10th
I got to meet Cayson today, I walked in to spy a touching moment of mother and baby as a very tired daddy gazed on. The room was darkened, except for a small halo of light coming from Cayson's corner of the room. It illuminated Jackie's face as she beamed at her tiny son. His perfect black head of hair and his bright pink skin, so new, so small, so early.
He is doing well though and in that there is hope, despite the ever growing frustrations of how long he will in fact have to be in the nursery, there is one very immediate point to be made, he is so wonderful, so precious and so feisty! There will be small victories and there will be bumps, obstacles and possibly set backs, but one thing is for sure, as Cayson grows stronger every hour, so does the love of his parents and they will all get through this, and soon I'll be getting that call that he's home and its time to book newborn pictures.
his IV pulled out, unfortunate, but allowed me some shots without it on....
Jackie, Justin and Cayson...I have been with you since your Engagement, we have shared memorable moments and some embarrassments on my part lol (: and I have grown to love you both, not as clients but as friends and as I finish this story I want you to know, I am here to share in your journey both with a hand to hold and a lens to share your life through. Thank you for honoring me with your trust to tell your story. Rest, stay strong, take care of each other and your selves and know your son will be home before you know it and will out grown his tinniest before you know it.
Creatively,
Jenn
